Hey guys. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, because I know I can write a ton about how I'm feeling right now. Apologizes in advance for the wall of text.
I'll start off by saying I've never been in a relationship, kissed, had sex, etc with anyone. I'm 24 right now and I've come out of my shell in the last few years, being able to talk to girls no problem and go on dates, but I tend to get hung up on my insecurities and lack of experience when it comes to engaging a girl sexually. As in, I'm worried about initiating kissing, even though I know I want to, among other things. Additionally, I've been reading Nick's stuff for about 5 years now and it's been a boon to my confidence and with how I deal with women.
As for my issue, I hit it off with a girl (19) who messaged me on tinder and things were great. We texted daily, whenever possible leading up to our first date/meeting and had 3 more dates following that, while still texting daily. Ever date was awesome. We'd tell each other post date that we both had a really fun and enjoyable time together. We got along great, had similar interests, as well as polar opposite interests. I had respect for her and her beliefs/ideas, despite not agreeing with everyone.
1st date we met up had coffee/early lunch for 2 hours. Laughing and talking with complete ease. I felt very comfortable and confident with her and I hadn't had that feeling with a girl for a while.
2nd Date we grab lunch at a market and hang out for near 3.5 hours. She wears a busty top and short shorts and again, we slip into conversation with ease and have a great time talking and being around each other. I made sure to sit close to her, legs touching but also just being as relaxed as possible. I felt great. I felt like the kind of guy Nick writes about in his posts. A confident gentleman. We finished eating and she suggests going on a drive and we drive around, do some shopping for her and wing by her house before returning. We hug and say we need to hang out again soon.
3rd date, I suggest getting some ice cream cups from the store and going for a drive. She loves it, thinks the ice cream is a cute/great idea and we go driving. We're chatting and laughing and being at ease with each other like before. I know at this point I need to make a move with her, because I like her a lot and because I know I need to show my intentions early. And she suggests going back to her house for a movie. Great! I'll kiss her then. However, we get to her place and she plops the movie in and passes out within 5 minutes. I'm a bit confused at this point. She was exhausted from working long hours and I knew that, but I kinda got my confidence zapped a bit. Wouldn't she be awake if she was interested? I mean she suggested going to her place. I knew trying to kiss a sleeping girl is a bad idea, so I didn't. Instead I kept my hand on her thigh as she was sleeping, and roused her awake some minutes later to tell her I should head out. I told her I had a great time with her and understood she was sleepy. She felt bad, apologized, and walked me to the door. I felt like kissing her, but I also kinda figured the "spark" had kinda died for the night, so I went with a hug. I get home, text her some more (she again apologizes for falling asleep) and go to bed content.
Next day, she texts me later saying she'd been in a bad mood, but had wanted to text me. I playfully ask if it was due to our date, and she tells me immediately and in quick succession,
"No! The date was great. I had such a good time. It definitely wasn't you"
Great. I kinda knew that, but just wanted to tease to help relax her a bit. She texts a bit more saying
"You're such a caring person. I feel like I'm so self absorbed and constantly talking about myself to you. Let's hear more about you"
I ask her what she'd like to know about me and she says she wants to know everything about me. Again, this is a good sign right? Anyways I tell her about myself a bit through text, but make it a point to say it's easier for me to explain who I am in person, which she agrees with. She then says this:
"You just sorta baffle me. Like most guys are so touchy feely. You aren't. Usually guys try to do more than kiss on the first date. We've been on like 3 and you still just hug me. And that's awesome. Like go you"
Well I feel myself take a bit of a hit here. Once she mentioned it I started to worry about it, way more than I had been before. Now that it was on the table, so to speak, I felt I needed to perform. I knew I needed to, but now it felt the pressure was on in a way. I explain I go a bit slower and sometimes I can miss "the signs". But she told me it doesn't bother her, it's a breath of fresh air to her. So I think good and we continue texting daily until our next date.
4th date, I invite her to hang out at my place. I wanted to show her some of my art that she'd been asking about as well as watch a movie or something. She agrees and comes over. Now, this is the first time in my life I've had a girl in my room that wasn't a friend's girlfriend or something. I'm kinda freaking out for the first time. I feel there's pressure to act, in part because of where we are and because of her text earlier in the week. So there's that. She comes over we talk for a bit and relax and start up a movie. We watch the whole movie and I keep kicking myself because I don't know how to just fucking kiss her. Do I just say "I want to kiss you"? Do I just lean in? Do I pull her towards me? She's close but not intimately close, she leans forward and shifts about, but never turns towards me. I'm just confused. I just don't know and I get overwhelmed with how to start. Post movie we talk for another 20mins, face to face, lying down on the bed and closer than when we were throughout the movie. And it's clear she's relaxed and I am too. But she has to go. I walk her to her car and we talk for another 15 minutes before I give her a long, close hug and talk to her. I tell her I'm sorry for taking it so slow. But she says, "It's ok. I like the change of pace. I've been with "bad" guys before, but I like you a lot. I think you're going to be good for me." She leaves. I go back and kick myself thinking I lost her. But to my surprise she texts me when she gets back. We text for another 1.5 hours and I tell her I want to make her dinner the upcoming Friday and I want to let her pick my brain. I was ready to explain my insecurities and delve further into who I am with her at that point and she agreed. She tells me
"I'm glad I didn't fall asleep on you this time. I like talking with you and I like the person you are"
I tell her the same. I meant it. And I was happy.
She had to cancel on the date because her sister was heading off to college and she wanted to say goodbye. Maybe that was the first sign? She told me that she wanted to wish me a safe trip (I was visiting family that week, hence why I wanted to see her again before I left) and she even offered to drive me to the airport. I was a dumbass and said I've got a ride, but then changed my ride and told her to come over. She couldn't because she had a seizure (she gets them) and couldn't drive, but felt awful for not being able to say goodbye to me. I felt really worried and bad because I wanted to see her, but I was at the airport. What could I do at that point?
We text when I get to my destination because she wanted to know I was safe. 2 days of texting and I tell her I want to see her when I get back, but I have to work soon after I get home for 2 weeks at a fair. So I let her know I had a small window to see her again. She says "What the heck" and I don't hear from her for a few days. That concerned me, but I figured she was letting me enjoy my vacation and I figured she was busy recovering from her recent seizure.I fly back and text her and she's happy to chat again. She asks if I have a ride and we text for 1.5 hours. I tell her I want to see her tomorrow, but she says she didn't see my message until too late. I tell her ok, then be sure to visit me out at the fair and she says "Of course I will".
Well come the fair, I see her there one day with some dude. She's dressed nice and it's quite clear to me at the time (I really have no way of knowing) that she's on a date.She had texted me up to this day, though not as much as usual (I was busy myself). I see her the next day too, this time she makes it a point to walk right in front of where I was working, look me in the eyes, and pretend I don't exist, walking away with some dude (might've been the same dude, he had a hat on, I don't know nor did I really care at that point.) I was upset and sad to say the least. I ended up texting her, because hey, maybe I didn't see what I thought I saw right? I asked "Hey I've been stupidly busy, but have you had a chance to come visit the fair?". I hear nothing from her, yet she uploads pictures showing she was out there again.
And that's that. I could certainly write more, but I'd simply get more upset. So instead, I'm trying to figure out how to move forward positively, despite my frustration, sadness, and confusion after being ghosted by this girl. Essentially, I'm not really mad she was there with some dude. We hadn't discussed those boundaries and we weren't mutual/boyfriend and girlfriend, even if it felt like we were. I'm mad and upset that she didn't have the respect to tell me she was no longer interested. She didn't have the respect for me to tell me that she wanted something different and instead kept texting me up until she found someone else. That hurts a lot and I feel used, stupid, and unvalued. I don't like that. Especially since I really liked this girl. I want to know the reason why too. I don't think that's an uncommon thought to have is it? I feel I deserve to know, but I also feel that's incredibly selfish to demand that from someone. And that's part of the reason I liked her so much. She made it clear she didn't want to be treated like an object. She made it clear that her opinions were important to her and I respected the hell out of that. Maybe that's why it hurts so much.
And I've been trying to be objective about my behavior (despite hurting and crying and feeling like shit). I think I did make mistakes. I'm already very critical of myself, and to come so close only for it to just disappear really pains me. I think it's clear I should've kissed her. I look back and see so many chances to do it. But I also see a scared boy, in a 24 year old's body. I think I should've been a bit clearer about my lack of experience, though I also worried about divulging too much of this. Doesn't telling a girl that you have no experience tend to scare them off? I mean, I was ready to. I was planning on doing it come date 5 (i.e homecooked dinner alone), but maybe I should've done it sooner. I've been coming to the conclusion that sure, I don't need to explain that I'm inexperienced right away, but to hide it the whole time isn't being true to myself. It's not confident. Sharing this vulnerability would make it not weigh me down as much.
I thought about demanding a reason, came close to asking even. But at the end of the day, I think that's a bad course of action. I left it open to her with my last text. I still care about her in some way and maybe she'll text me someday. I don't think I'd want to be friends with her. I wanted a relationship with her. Though I certainly wouldn't be against talking in person. I'd like to have an adult to adult conversation and just figure out "So what happened?" Will I get that? Doubtful. But I left it open to her. It's her choice to make. I think it's incredibly shitty that she ghosted me at this point. I think it's incredibly immature, but I can't make her do anything (despite part of me wanting that). Again, that's something I really respected about her. Maybe i should've mentioned that?
Anyways, I've written way too much at this point. I apologize for the wall of text. I'll just wrap this up by saying I really did like this girl a lot, and not just because she was interested in me. I made sure to learn more about her and figure out her character and accept some flaws I saw. Everyone has them right? It just feels like a huge kick in the stomach to know that she didn't have the heart/respect/courage to tell me. I truly believe I did everything right with her (asides from the kissing), because I felt so comfortable with her and relaxed. I'm proud of that and I plan to hold onto these awesome memories I had with her and use them to help me grow.
What do you guys think? Did I fuck up? Am I right to be upset? Are these feelings normal, even if it was only about 6 weeks? Is this the right course of action? Should I make plans with her one more time or just drop it? Have you guys had similar experiences and if so how'd you guys get past them? Thanks in advance for your replies!
