Right since my young age I've been fond of girls. Sometimes, I get a feeling of lust especially if it is a good looking girl dressed revealingly and having a good body shape and decent facial proportion. But, when I become friends with them by knowing them better through homework/project discussions and lately job related being in the same team I don't feel that lust at all. I'm an introvert and socially awkward which makes it difficult to strike a conversation with a girl I really like.
When I was very young around 3rd grade in Bangalore, India(it may seem too young to fall for something), I couldn't take my eyes off her as she joined newly to school. I never thought I would become friends with her. But, our parents connected when they came to pick up with her. Both our parents grew up in a neighboring state and they could communicate in that language. I never imagined that I would get a chance to become her friend had our parents not connected. I would have never approached her in school. Until 7th grade, we were pretty good friends. She was studying one grade less than me. Our homes were close by around 2-3 miles. We did spent a lot of time together playing.I started liking her. But, after 7th grade we lost touch. When she relocated little further, we lost touch completely. She was still in the same school. She was the first girl I liked and I still have a place for her in my heart as my first crush. I made a mistake never to pursue her. But, during that time I was never serious. Also, I don't think she saw me the same way. Now, she is married and I'm happy for her.
In the 8th grade I liked another girl. But, I think she always saw me as an innocent cute child and pinched my cheeks. I did enjoy her company in Class. But, we never lunched together. But, I seemed to take interest in her. I didn't really pursue her and I do think she did think of me as a boyfriend.
After that there wasn't a girl I really liked. I was always attracted to them. During my adolescence I just wasted time drooling and ogling. I never pursued any one. So, during my senior years and college I never pursued anyone and just went about studying to survive through my college. I never brought in good grades though. Then, I moved to the United States for my Masters. While doing my Masters, there weren't many girls who really caught my attention and I didn't go after American women thinking that they would be having boyfriends and might even intimidate the heck out of me. Also, I never got a chance to come close to them by working one on one on projects or homework to first allow friendship to flourish and organically fall in love with them. Sometimes, I didn't try to pursue the Indian girls because majority of them were from a particular state and they spoke a language I did not understand and I didn't like people from that state so much. There was a nice and geeky girl from that state. Now, I realize I have a shot with her and we had a Facebook conversation which ended up awkwardly for me:https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/6csyro/got_in_touch_with_a_female_friend_doing_phd_after/.
When I moved to the US for my M.S., that was the time, I left the nest and stayed alone. After graduating however, I couldn't find a job and couldn't afford rent on my own. Fortunately both my parents had moved to the US and had a place and I went and lived with them. Since then I'm living with them. With some struggle for 2 years, I got a job also. During all this time, never pursued anyone because I didn't make any money. Already, in my mind girls don't think much of me due to my social awkwardness on top of that I had no job and no money, made no sense to pursue. However, after 2 -3 years of steady job, my work life is a bit stable now (2017) and I feel more confident to look out.
I'm 30 and still live my parents. In 2013, four years ago, I moved to CA in search of steady job. My parents also moved. We lived together because, it was too expensive to pay separate rent. I know it always helps to live alone that helps in the cause of meeting women. Now, I feel I cannot leave my parents as they are getting old and I need take care of them. I'm the one to drive them too. I can move out after marrying but not until that. That is my situation.
Now the coworker. In 2014, there is this girl who just joined the company. When I first saw her, there was something about her. Later I started noticing her. She has this innocent sweat good looks. But, I was too shy/fearful to approach her and I made a silly rule to not date colleagues. But, I got great vibes with her. She used to smile at me. We used to exchange these looks and I saw some affection in her eyes whenever she looked back at me as she also looked back at me for a long time when I looked in her direction. I never pursued her. She also might have lost interest and moved on. Now, I don't think she thinks anything of me. She left the company 1 and half years ago and since then I feel I should ask her out. But, what is the best way? Any method I try would be creepy. I guess it may not be an option to pursue her. But, I can't stop thinking about her. I even try to stalk her on social networking. I seemed to have care for her. The reason is, I sense there is kindness and innocence about her. I feel she is the best girl for me till now. But, I know that may not be a good option as I don't even know her relationship status. Logically, we have to look for other options.
My parents tried setting me up with 3-4 girls whom we all liked. But, after a couple conversations, they declined interest. I've tried online dating too. I've messaged many girls expecting reply but got none. I try to be complementing and funny in those message. I guess I have to try harder. It is always good to share a life with someone. It is the social convention. But, I'm not really passionate about it. I have to find someone with whom I can organically fall in love (both parties) and only then would I see reason for marriage. At the same time, I wouldn't want to see my parents disappointed and sad knowing that their son is going to be alone for the rest of his life.