This post might sound a little negative. It's meant to be truthful, but unfortunately for today, the truth
hurts me a little. I'll do my best to keep it a happy ending though.
Happy thought: I've had my last college class! I'm graduating in a few days!!! Wooo Hooo!
Yesterday, the group I'm in at college had a formal dance. All the ladies, dressed up all snazzily, and the
guys...well the guys put on nicer clothes than usual. My observational day began at 9:45am. I went to the
church where the dance was being held to help set up decorations. I quickly noticed that lots of what I
said was being ignored, completely. When this happened, I talked more, and more. And people did not seem to
be more interested in talking to me. I'd say things, with my head pointing towards the ground, my eyes on
the ground, and my body was basically a nervous ball of anxiety,
*insert goat making noise here*
(at the time we were listening to a T. Swift song. And I was trying to make fun of the song).
After I made the goofy noise, it took a few seconds for people to realize what I was getting at. When they
did though, my friends did laugh. But golly, I was so nervous to make a goofy joke around my friends! I was
too insecure to make a loud joke around my friends that I have known for 3 years. It never hit me as hard
as it did yesterday morning: I walk around and hang out with people, and I'm not sure if they know the real
whatever I am: me. I'm terrified that I'm going to say something that will upset someone, and I won't have
Mental note to self, ask my Best Friend tomorrow, if she really is my friend (check she is). Say,
Do I annoy you. I'm afraid of being myself around you.
More mental note to self: tell Dad that you aggressively love him. There is nothing he can do that will
ever make him lose my love. I think Dad feels the same way I do. And it sucks.
That might be a little melo-dramatic, but not by much. Most of that time yesterday morning, I felt a little
uneasy. I was talking to much, because I didn't like how there was little conversation. I was playing it
safe with friends.
There is one good thing to mention though: I did have a really good interaction with a girl, we'll call
Nikky. Back story Nikky, and I have not always been on the best of terms. I don't particularly like how
she aggressively calls me out when I say some inaccurate thing. That and she definitely did have a crush on
me at one time. And I was not interested at all. I don't think she liked that.
Anyway, yesterday morning, as I am decorating, I noticed that I seemed to be having the best interactions
with Nikky. And I'm not sure why! We usually barely talk, and when we do, it's grudgingly, distant, and
brief. But when I said something to her, and genuinely smiled proud and confident, she smiled back. It
wasn't romantic in any way. We just said back and forth to each other with our smiles,
I'm really comfortable around you.
Thanks, Josh. I'm really comfortable around you too.
Mental tip for today: Smile genuinely at people. Do not push your eyebrows together. It makes you seem
very uneasy, and it makes the person you are talking to uncomfortable.
After I helped out with setting up for formal, I gave myself an award for asking out a girl in my class,
hitting on a random person, and for convincing Trudy (Trudy is my current crush by the way) to come to
Formal: I bought the kinowear Bible: http://www.kinowear.com/ Ya'll should check it out! I've only had it
for a day, but I think it's really going to be worth it.
Fast forward to the dance tonight. I had planned on picking up Trudy and Clever Girl tonight to drive them
to the dance. Unfortunately, I lost track of time, and one of my friends picked them up for me. Do not be
As I was driving to the dance, I was trying to calm down, because I was really upset with myself that I was
late. When I was really close to picking up Trudy and Clever Girl, I got a call from Clever Girl,
Josh. Where are you?
Hey Clever Girl. I am literally two minutes out.
OK is that like 2 real minutes? Or 2 pretend minutes?
I'll be there in 2 real minutes.
Ok, well we're going with Michelle. She's here now, and she's taking us to the dance.
That little jerk Michelle. Alright Clever girl, I'll see you there.
So, I turned around and started heading towards the church, where the dance was being held. I tried to spin
the fact that I was late in a good way. I thought,
Trudy, will now have to wait longer to see you. Build up the suspense.
I got to the formal, right behind Michelle's car. I'm nervous. I let Michelle, Trudy, and Clever Girl walk
in. I took some deep breaths, stretched my arms, and followed them inside. I had wanted to use Nick's pick
up line when I first saw Trudy,
Is your Dad a Beaver? 'Cause Damn!
But for whatever reason, I could not work up the courage to do it. Partly because we were in a room full of
people, but that's not the best excuse I know.
We went and got pictures taken. And I acted goofy, but I'm not sure if Trudy appreciated it. I'm also not
sure if you would call it manly.
Trudy, Clever Girl, Michelle, and Sha-nay-nay (these are all girls), were going to go get pictures. I was
not sure if I was invited to go with them or not. So I decided to find out. I said,
Yeah, let's go.
Michelle challenged me,
Who said you could come?
By the way, people challenge me a lot, but they are teasing. They are not trying to be malicious (at least I
don't think). mental note: learn to respond to joking challenges. To which I pretended to be a small
child, and said,
Can I come? Please, please, please?
As I said this, I'm bending my knees so I seem less taller and am obviously using a higher pitched
voice. Perhaps there was a more manly I could have done this. Perhaps I could have said with my back
straight and in a deep voice,
Please. You wouldn't want to miss out on pictures with me.
So we went to get pictures taken. While we were waiting in line, I looked at Trudy, trying to be confident
Hey, I like your blue dress. It makes you stand out.
This was a pretty weak flirty comment. I should have said,
Hey, your dress is awesome. You look awesome.
Trudy doesn't get a chance to respond when SNN says,
There are a lot of blue dresses here. She doesn't stand out that much.
I should have replied with the following,
Hold on SNN, you're missing the important part, which is me totally hitting on Trudy. She looks good.
Maybe I could have even added while I playfully punched her shoulder,
Someone call the cops. Battery is happening.
I felt that I had to guard my coolness, because someone just dissed me in front of Trudy. I feel like if I
ignore it, she won't think I'm all that cool, which is probably not true. Instead I said,
You all, except for Trudy, are wearing red. It makes her stand out.
No, CG is wearing pink.
I'm a man SNN, don't get too colorful on me.
gosh that made me so annoyed. Here I am trying to flirt with Trudy (albeit weakly) and SNN is
interrupting. The next time that happens, I need to completely ignore her. Perhaps quickly look at her, and
then go back to talking to Trudy.
woah insight: I was just complaining that I thought Trudy was distant. In that last sentence, I just
proved that I am distant with her. When I'm talking to her about anything, and SNN or CG, or Michelle,
interrupts, I immediately drop my convo with Trudy, and start talking to someone, anyone else. That has got
to look really annoying to her. Trudy needs to be a priority to me. When I talk to her, and someone
interrupts, I need to find a way to balance responding to them, without completely dropping the convo with
First I got pictures with two other of my friends who asked my for pictures. And then another male friend
of mine asked to hold me while they took a picture, which I allowed. (I'm a goofy guy).
Then the moment of truth. Trudy, Sha-Nay-Nay, Clever Girl, and Michelle climbed on the stage to get
pictures with me. We grouped together, with me ending by standing by Clever Girl (cause the girls wanted to
arranged themselves so that their dresses matched). We took a couple of pictures, and then I worked after I
worked up the courage and asked,
Hey Trudy, do you want one with me?
I know. I know. That is not the manly way or the leadership way of doing things! I should have said,
Hey, Trudy, let's get a picture together. Just you and me.
Regardless, Trudy, agreed, and shortly thereafter we were getting a picture. Here's a small backstory.
During pictures, someone brought a big frame for a large portrait. So for pictures many people were holding
the frame, with their faces in the middle while they got their pictures takes. Again, I did not do the
manly leadership thing. Instead, I said,
Do you want to use the frame?
When I should have said,
Let's use the frame.
Actually I should not have asked to use the frame anyway! Using the frame means, I do not put my arm around
Trudy. Since I want to break the touch barrier as often as possible, I should have said,
We don't need the frame. Come here.
or maybe I should really have said
We don't need the frame. Come here hottie!
So Trudy and I took a picture together. Cool. I did the same with Clever Girl and Sha-Nay-Nay, but not
As we went back down to the dancing floor Trudy asked me,
Are you sitting with us?
Which in hind sight is a good thing. She wants to know if I'll be nearby.
I don't know. Where are you sitting?
maybe I should have said,
Of course. I want to sit by you cutie.
To which Clever Girl, answered,
That table. The green jacket is mine, and the brown one is Trudy's.
Alright. I said. I'll go guard my spot.
As I walked over to the table, I saw that Trudy and Clever Girl were sitting together. I thought,
Darn! I can't sit by Trudy!
I laid my napkin on a chair next to Clever Girl. I walked away from the table feeling a little depressed.
Then I realized,
I want to sit by Trudy, so I guess I'll move Clever girl one seat over and steal her chair.
I'm nervous as I go over to move Clever Girl's stuff. But I did! whoo hooo!
A few minutes later, we all move back to the table, I rush to get their first, because I want to sit in
Clever Girl's seat and stake my claim before she sits down.
I make it to the table first. I sit down in Clever Girl's (from here on called CG) chair. As they all start
to sit down, I nervously look down, without looking at anyone and say,
Sorry, CG, I stole your seat.
Good eye contact and a smooth smile would have been nice, but I was worried someone was going to say,
Geez, Josh. You always have to be next to Trudy.
But I could have easily responded with,
That's not true, but when I am next to her. It's an awesome occasion.
Anyway, we sat down.
At the next table over, someone had to move. There happened to be an open seat at our table, so Trudy
invited him to join our table. I'll admit that I was a little jealous that she did. This guy is also a
freshman. He's handsome and funny. And from what little I've seen, him and Trudy get along just fine.
Which they seemed to have a good time later on that night. More on that later.
In short order, our food was brought to us. Thus begins the struggle to maintain Trudy's attention begins.
I begin to tell Trudy, about how Michelle and Sha-Nay-Nay and I had fun last night playing the question game
(I did not make up this game. I heard about it from somewhere). I start to explain it.
"The game works by asking one person a question. Once a question has been asked, it cannot be asked
again. So if you-"
Sha-Nay-Nay (from now an referred to as SNN)rudely interrupts me...geerrr
That game is so stupid. You asked me the meanest question last night, and I about left.
I completely pull my attention away from Trudy to respond to SNN. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should
have complete ignored her and kept talking to Trudy. What I did was say,
What? Not possible.
Thus began SNN and my boring and brief argument over weather or not the question game was fun or not. It was
really annoying. I was having a good conversation with Trudy, and then I jumped into a boring convo with
SNN. A some point I went back to explaining the game to Trudy,
"So, So like I said. Once a question has been asked, it cannot be asked again. For example, let's say that
before you start the game you think of something you don't want someone asking you. So I could ask, Trudy,
have you ever accidentally run over your grandfather with a Tractor?"
I don't get it. What's the-
And I think I interrupted her to say something, but I don't remember what it was. And that was it. We did
not play the awesome question game.
Later on, Trudy was telling me about her favorite book: 1984, which took her forever. She would start to
tell me more about the book, and then she would talk to someone else and then get back to me later.
grrr. It must have taken her 3 or 4 minutes to tell me 10 sentences about that book. However, as she she
starting talking about it, I noticed that she was turned her body to face me. hint hint: her body language
is saying that she is comfortable with me.
You should read 1984 sometime Josh. It's really good.
"Allright. I will read it, if you read my favorite book." And I held up my pinkie to make a pinkie promise
with her (If you don't know what a pinkie promise is...it's a silly American thing. You just intertwine your
pinkie with someone else' and you promise to do something).
She said as she calmly refused my pinkie promise,
Whose it by? I can't just read a book before I know if its any good.
It's by my favorite author-
I no longer have her attention. She was caught up listening to someone else's conversation. I really don't
like it when she just looks away and doesn't listen like that. I'll try maintaining eye contact longer with
her. At the beginning of the night, she and I had poor eye contact. I think it is more my fault than hers.
I was afraid of gazing deep into her eyes.
So, so far I have tried to do two things with Trudy. I've tried to play the question game, which did not pan
out. And I've tried to challenge her to a book read off. She turned both down. (This whole time, my table is
eating dinner by the way). I'm not just trying to talk to Trudy either. I am talking to other people as
Then I hear the following,
In a few moments, we're going to get the chocolate fountain going. So get ready for dessert.
When the chocolate fountain is ready, and the fruit is set out beside it, I say to Trudy,
Do you want to get in line for the chocolate fountain?
I know. I know. Leadership I'm not showing Leadership. I should have said,
Let's get in line for the chocolate fountain.
I think CG answered me,
There isn't a line yet.
Her tone, was slightly accusative. Kind of like,
"Geez Josh. We can't just go stand around there and wait. That would be soo weird. Why would you suggest
I didn't have a good comeback to that. And honestly, it's getting annoying hearing people telling I'm saying
something stupid when I'm not. I would like to learn how to calmly, and with wit, have a funny comeback to
The cool bit happened next. Trudy told me,
Ok, let's get in line.
She stood up as I did, then she turned to me and said something sly like,
Come along you.
I felt empowered in that moment. It was weird that only moments ago she seemed soo distant, and now she
wants me to follow her in line. What??? I followed her anyway.
I made some small chit chat with Trudy while we both got chocolate, or rather while she held up the line,
and I watched her get chocolate. Whatever was said was not that memorable or important.
As soon as we sat back down, the music started. And that's when the night really began for me.
If you've never met me (since you're reading this online, I'm assuming you haven't), then you should know
that I'm a goofy dancer and I absolutely love it! I used to be really awkward on the dance floor. I used to
not even get on the dance floor, but after a while, I got used to flailing my limbs around to the beat and
going crazy while having a good time. If any of you are religious, dancing to super upbeat music, is about
as joyful as I can get, second only to a religious high, that I've had a few occasions. just to clarify:religious high does not mean that I smoked weed and looked at nature. Well heck, I better explain what I
mean briefly by religious high.
short interlude: What does Josh mean when he says religious high? That's a good question. Thanks for
asking. For me a religious high happens when I feel God's over powering love for me. Can you imagine a time
when you felt utterly loved and accepted by someone you really admired or respected. That's probably similar
to what a religious high feels like. Even when I do bad things, I know God still loves me. There is nothing
that I could ever do that would make God love me less. And there is nothing that I could ever do, that would
make God love me more. If you ever want to talk to me about this, feel free to send me a message.
back to the story: The first dance song comes on, and I'm on the dance floor. Baby it's on! This is my
last dance, and I'm going to live it up. I'm starting out my moves pretty slow. My feet are tapping the
floor, my hips are bouncing, and I'm doing my typical arm movements. You know, usual me.
I do notice that I gravitate towards Michelle. I don't like her or anything. Michelle has just always been a
really good friend, and I want to spend a good portion of the night with her, especially if Trudy doesn't
want to dance. The next thing I notice is that CG came to dance next to me. She's got her big girl smile
on, and it's kind of obvious that she's dancing by me, because she thinks I look good. She's got other
interest than just being my friend. note to self: Tell CG, that you are not interested.
Halfway through the first song, I notice that Trudy is sitting down by herself, and as she does, a really
good friend of mine (and I can't stress enough how good of a friend this guy is. i've told him some really
personal stuff, possibly too personal, and he took it well. He's very genuine and awesome) sat down by
her. At this point I'm not jealous at all. If this friend of mine (I'm not bothering to give him a code
name, because he hates to dance, and he shall very soon disappear from the story) did start to date Trudy, I
know she'd be happy, because he's an awesome bro.
Anyway, I notice that Trudy is sitting alone, with only my friend for company. Again as I notice this. I'm
Should I go over to Trudy and ask her if she wants to dance? Ok I'll do it.
So I walk over. When I get there, Trudy's full attention is on my friend. I can not really find an easy way
to get her attention (BUT I could have touched her! duh), so I stood right by her side until my friend
signaled to her that I was standing behind her and wanted her attention.
She turned and looked at me, so I leaned in and I probably said very confidently,
Hey, do you want to dance?
umm, not right now. This isn't my music.
Ok, that's fine. See you out there in a bit.
I should have said,
"Ok. You're just warming up. Gotta get a few stretches in before you go crazy dancing. I can understand
that. I'll see you on the dance floor later chick."
I turned and left to go back on the dance floor. The next song came on, and it was a
follow-these-instructions kind of song. And guess what? Trudy came out to dance to it! She even stayed on
for the next one. At first she was dancing on one side of the room and I was on the other side dancing with
Michelle. I thought,
"I should go dance by her, but I'm kind of nervous. What if she thinks I'm hitting on her. What if she
doesn't want me to hit on her?"
I plucked up the courage and danced over beside her. I tried to maintain good eye contact, but every time I
looked at Trudy I got nervous, and then CG looked at me, and I looked at CG because I'm really comfortable
around her. When I want to look at Trudy, I need to look at her. BE BRAVE JOSH. Look at the pretty girl and
smile that winning smile.
Since, I'm a good dancer, I don't stay in one spot all the time. I migrate. So, I'd dance next to Trudy,
then I'd go dance by someone whose got some great moves going on, then I'd go dance by Michelle, then I'd
come back to Trudy.
I even did my notorious hip bumb with Trudy. Albeit, I did treat her as though she was made of glass. It was
a very light hip bump. And when she looked at me, I had a nervous expression on my face.
Also, I realize that a this story needs one more character to be introduced. Do you remember earlier, when
I talked about a boy joining our table for dinner? Let's name that chap Robert. Robert, is a new freshman,
who definitely likes Trudy. When he joined our table, I know I had a small problem. Robert, is seemingly
more confident than me, and he's able to make Trudy laugh more often than I. So, if he sat at our table,
and Trudy talked lots more to him than to me, the game might be over.
back to the dance floor: Robert, does not like to dance. He's really nervous about it. But I am trying to
be a nice dude, give him encouragement to join in the festivities.
side note: Should I have not invited him to come to the dance floor with him? If I know someone is
interesting in a girl I'm interested in him, is it really a good idea to invite him to hang out with her
more? I suppose you should. If a girl is really interested in you, she will talk to you. If you have to
discreetly control who she sees, to get her to like you, then you are probably in the wrong mindset. Your
mindset should be, I'm a cool guy. I want someone who can match my coolness. Can you?
Also, to expand on the above paragraph, it's totally ok to help a guy be more social if he is not being all
that social is a particular environment. However, if I am trying to go for girl A, I do not have to be a
wing for guy B to get girl A. Because girl A is mine, or hopefully will be. haha
Anyway, Robert, is clearly interested in Trudy. And he is dancing by her when he can. So I'm encouraging
him to stay on the dance floor and to hang out with us. At some point, he and Trudy go off the dance floor
to sit and talk. At first I was fairly jealous. It kind of stinks seeing someone else having a good time
with the girl you want to be with. But if she's happy...
I decided that it'd be better if I stayed out on the dance floor. I can't compete with the joking-ness of
Robert. And Trudy is clearly enjoying his company, probably more so than mine. More importantly, this is
my last dance, and I love dances. I am not about to spend a dance chasing after some girl. I'd rather
spend that time dancing and hanging with my friends SNN and Michelle.
So I keep dancing. When the first slow song comes on, I see that Trudy is sitting by CG. I pluck up the
courage, walk over and ask Trudy,
Would you like to dance?
I don't know. I'm not sure.
I immediately caved,
You don't have to if you don't want to.
I should have said,
It might be the most fun you have the whole night. Are you sure you want to miss that?
But I did not say that. Trudy makes it clear, that she's not interested in dancing. So I immediately turn
toward CG and ask,
Do you want to dance?
She thinks about it for a moment. I did just imply that she was second best...
So I take her to the dance floor. And I had a slow dance with CG. eh. cool. moving on.
At some point, Trudy and Robert disappear. I found out a few minutes later that they are playing board
games across the hall. Cool. Again, if she's hanging out over there, then I'm not going to blindly follow.
I'd rather dance.
Later on, I asked another girl, that I've always thought out of my league, to slow dance with me. She did,
which was cool. And she was kind of flirty during parts of the night. You know in songs when there is a
romantic lyric... like,
You can't live without me.
She'd sing the lyric and point at me, which was unexpected. I was kind of bewildered. I danced with her a
little bit, because she was being flirty. But nothing big. She wasn't Trudy, and that night I only had eyes
for Trudy... and the chocolate fountain. gosh the chocolate fountain was awesome.
This next part was where I was probably being the most untrue to myself. It was not fair that I did this to
myself, but I did it anyway. You'll see what I mean in a few.
At a certain point in the dance, there was a slow song. Trudy and Robert were both on the dance floor, but
they were not dancing together. I was dancing with the girl I thought was out of my league at the time, but
I pulled away from her quickly, walked over to Robert and whispered,
I dare you to ask Trudy for a dance.
Then I jogged back over to girl-out-of-my-league-friend-who-is-kind-of-cool (GOOMLFWIKOC from now on) and
continued dancing with her.
When Robert didn't make his move, I walked back over to him and said,
I double dog dare you.
Then I continued dancing with GOOMLFWIKOC. Then GOOMLFWIKOC asked me,
What did you tell him?
I told him he should ask Trudy for a dance.
When Robert still did not make a move, I then walked back over to him and said,
I triple dog dare you.
He never asked Trudy for a dance, but the real question is...what the freak was I thinking? Sure I may not
be here for around Trudy for much longer, but if I have a crush on the girl, why am I encouraging another
guy? Especially when, for all I know, Trudy likes me? That was probably the dumbest thing I did the whole
night, and it hurt to do. New rule Josh: never encourage another guy to hit on the girl that you like,
unless you know you do not have a chance with that girl.
Robert and Trudy eventually migrated out of the dance floor. They both went to go play board games with
Two times, I went back into the room where Trudy was to hint that she should come back into the room. Both
times, I made poor eye contact.
At the end of the dance, the last slow song came on. Trudy did make an appearance for that. I was
considering asking her for a slow dance, which I should have. But instead, I asked my friend Michelle for a
dance. I might not see her for much longer, and it felt nice to dance with her, in a non-romantic way.
When the dance was over, I was probably a little awkward in getting Trudy, CG, and SNN back into my car, so
I could drive them to campus. But I did drive them back.
Later on that night I got an interesting text from CG. But you'll have to wait 'til tomorrow to hear that