Hey hope everyone is well, I just thought I'd post here to get some advice and some thoughts. I guess my issues are that Im having a tough time interpreting her and what she's saying and feeling (relationship is mostly over text/phone) and that I'm having a tough time moving on because I still love her and desire her. This is a bit of a long read I really needed to vomit all this out I'll include a too long did not read at the bottom.
So I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years about a month ago, Broke up meaning we're on a 'break' I'll start from the beginning of our relationship: We met in high school we had insane chemistry got along really well I was usually making her laugh her head off every second and I could tell she was into me but I had a crush on someone else at the time so I didnt really get into it as much, I liked her and thought she was hot so I asked her out on a date had a great time. She was extremely inexperienced as was I but I took on sort of a guiding role in the relationship especially sexually where she had no experience.
Anyway the relationship was difficult even from the start as she's really afraid of her parents and her parents are really overbearing and overprotective so even seeing her often was a difficulty, I saw her maybe 2-3 times a month and for the first couple of years we could talk for 7 hours at a time over the phone basically through the night. Over time the frequency at which I got to see her reduced and at the same time I found out I had several nice guy tendencies and had several possessive habits which got worse and worse the less I got to see her. Like for example ringing her phone randomly and sometimes incessantly, checking her Facebook, at certain times even checking her google history Im not proud of it and I'm honestly disgusted by it and although she tried to be a great girlfriend she too sometimes I felt tended to be a bit selfish and I think that thought was exacerbated by the 'I'm selfless' delusion that I had as a 'Nice guy'
Over time I saw her less and less we still kept up though we called when possible, had phone sex over Skype etc kept anticipating and imagining life together and at times I would sneak into her house for hurried encounters that honestly the both of us didnt enjoy fully but appreciated at the time. Our paths took a turn when I went to Malaysia to Study for a year while she was stuck at home due to a failed exam, we kept up and still the relationship was fairly good then last year she left for Australia to study and I think after my first year was done I was tired of the long distance and made a decision to move to Australia too, At first she was overjoyed and we made plans and were really excited she was lonely there and said shed made new friends but then they were apparently 'guy-crazy' and she couldn't relate, we communicated and again kept up with the physical side of it but we did have problems mostly due to my possessiveness and me just guilting her daily making her feel like shit for somehow being a bad girlfriend because I was such a great guy and did so much for her (including waking her up in the morning, proofreading essays, paying for her exams, paying her internet bill for awhile buying her expensive concert tickets letting her use my netflix and all sorts of crap to get what I needed) including what I think I hated the most, me going to Australia which she saw as me making a sacrifice or doing something on her terms.
At the end of the day I do think I made the right decision at the time but anyway I haven't seen her nor touched her in one and a half years, and we had some fights which resulted in 70% of the time me convincing her to stay and the other 30% her returning after a day and us making up over Skype (again no physical intimacy) anyway this was status quo until November of last year when I was supposed to be in Australia, however there was a delay in my paperwork and I was forced to go on February, I felt things were strained but still she seemed normal if a bit distant, I had noticed that she had changed a bit with her new friends, checking out guys and having fancies which I now realise is totally normal for any human being but I being a total moron made sure to give her grief about it everyday (calling incessantly, being whiny) Anyway usual programming continued until near February when my paperwork again got delayed but this time due to me being lazy and partying and wasting time, around this time there was a drop off in our sexual stuff with her expressing that she felt uncomfortable sending me intimate pictures or doing anything over Skype, Which I went with thinking Id be there soon. Anyway after the second delay there was a definite change in our relationship she seemed really distant and started indirectly expressing a desire to leave and kept saying things like "i feel like Im tied down to this internet relationship' Which I understood but I told her Ill be there soon hold on, I guess she didnt believe me because around this time I got wind (by logging into her Facebook of course) of her talking about some guy called James with her friends, it wasnt anything particularly bad (just stuff like he's hot/rate him etc) but I being a moron freaked out anyway and blocked James from her Facebook and confronted her and made a scene, usually shed try to work things out with me (which I am so grateful to her for) but this time she seemed really cold and said 'i don't want to be tied down to this anymore if I stay id be forcing myself' and I remember this very well because it was the 1st of April and I was at a friends house drinking, I kept face timing her and basically just confronting her about James in front of my friend half jokingly and even He joined in, I could tell she was pissed but she kept a good face, then in the morning I remember I tried initiating like phone sex she refused me by saying 'i feel so tied down' I think she was busy with work at the time too but then I just felt bad so I said 'then maybe we shouldnt be together I'm coming there in like a month and you keep saying these things and I'm worried about this James guy' so we basically broke up. She broke up with me basically.
Then about 2 days later we called and we talked and she said something that indicated this was a 'break' rather than a break but then said something like "i think the thing with James was definitely nothing before but I kind of have a crush on him its totally superficial and nothing has happened" which I do believe that nothing has happened. Needless to say I felt terrible and I can't even remember the days following that it was basically a blur till the 7th when we called again this I remember I felt bad again because she was dressed up nicely (comparatively) because she had a class with James but then this call was really good we had fun we talked and I mean she said it was a break and shed want to try again 'not burn that bridge' were her exact words and I not having gotten over her said yes. Over time this kept happening with increased signs that she was still into me things like she used to do this thing where shed quickly flash me when we were video calling, and at times she almost did that but stopped herself and then other times shed say things like "I wish I woke up to your cuddles" and once she said she wanted me to get here sooner since she was 'hungry' a codeword we had for being aroused, I said I had a naughty dream about her and then we sort of sexted a bit and then another time she said she wanted to send me a naughty pic but was worried about mixed signals. I guess she has been giving mixed signals like recently we had a good talk and she said she only saw herself having sex with me and that she was excited to be with me for real and that she 'hopes we work out'. But then theres also been a lot of negative signs like for example she'd be weird if I referred to myself as her boyfriend even though her friend told me she still refers to me as such around them (although stating that we were on a break) and I don't know she keeps saying that she needs me to be real to make a decision I guess Im sort of conflicted I do want to be with her but is there any way I can recover from the years of possessiveness and bad habits Ive shown? She shows signs she's into me but then it fluctuates a lot sometimes she seems pretty 'friendzoney' Im really having trouble reading her intentions she has stated that: the relationship doesnt feel real like its all been in her head for the past two years, that she felt like there was an expectation on us working out that she didnt like, and that she doesnt know much she hasn't told me much apart from 'lets try when you get here' but Im here overthinking like crazy especially since I've gained so much weight I basically went from being muscly to almost obese its really bad and like because of personal issues and bad habits Ive had difficulty working out and now I have less than 20 days to see her Im worried she won't want to be with me anymore and I guess Im feeling really confused and frustrated with the mixed signals she keeps sending and I guess I just want advice on how to proceed and how to mend things with her before I get there so we can reconnect as I can on some level tell she wants that too but is afraid of me being posssessive and all in real life, which I'm working on beating right now. I only post this because right now its in a period of negative fluctuation where she basically said 'I don't know anymore I want to be broken up right now and get back together when you get here' and that 'she doesnt know the answers and doesnt want to know the answers' and that 'she's tired of thinking talking and imagining this' I guess I am too but I feel like this break could damage our prospects of being together, as a somewhat positive not apparently her 'thing' for James was nothing and now she's basically over it and its just banter with her friends. Her friend also said if she finds guys hot its because they look similar to me my 'type' before I gained all this weight. I just have been unable to get this out of my head and hence the super long mini novel but yeah apologies for that. I guess writing this helped in a way for me to realise I do need to make an effort to be with her. I need to lose weight be comfortable in my skin get a life and not be so suffocating and possessive about the relationship but I need to do it on my own without her support I feel like.
Summary: Ruined my 3 relationship with my soulmate because I was possessive clingy and needy in a long distance relationship, On a break right now with prospects of getting together with her in the next few weeks when we reunite after 1 and a half years of long distance.