@hansolo hey han! Thanks so much for the kind words man. I'm really excited about this move. Unfortunately, I did break up with A 3 weeks ago. It was sad, but ultimately led to really good things as I'll explain just now.
Quickly, I want to update the events of tonight while they're still fresh in my mind. Usually I leave little voice memos for myself, which are nice, but I think it's nice to write things down too sometimes. I love reading, and I feel like a special tone gets captured when you write.
Dark times man
I'm sitting in my room now, everything's a mess, I just managed to cram everything into 2 suitcases and a carry on bag. It's been a long time since I had to sit on a suitcase to make sure everything fits. Leaving for the west coast in 2 hours...
I just went through a pretty rough patch I'd say since the last time I updated in this journal. I realized I'd have to leave everything behind, my college friends, my wings, my girlfriend who I was starting to really like. Part of me felt like it was a mistake. A large part of me was struggling with the idea of dating in general. I'd been on so many dates that just felt like nothing, no connection, felt forced, I didn't even like them sometimes, I just wanted to go on the date to feel like I could get a girl. Even worse (for me), I was falling off of the approaching mentality. I would go out to bars a few times this past month, and I felt robotic and unhappy. I was approaching, but my self confidence was zip. I think I went out a total of 3 times at night in that month, and within that time, I made 0 real connections, 0 numbers, 0 good times. A particularly poignant moment was last weekend, when I went out with my wings one last time to celebrate me leaving. I was so unmotivated to approach, my wing ended up accidentally taking a girl (friend of a friend) that I was kind of into, and left me feeling even more down and bad. I ended up calling up my ex and hanging out with her that night, which I'm not super proud of.
Meeting with Nick
I had another session with Nick still that we had not gone on, and I felt like it would be a good way to get my spirits up. Nick is always a pleasure to go out with, and I always had tons of questions for him concerning my dates, and he always had cool tips and things I hadn't considered. For example, that night that I met up with him, the previous night I had had a date with a French girl. It felt like a repeat of the same story. We met up, I felt like I was really flirty and forward, we exchanged numbers (both parties knew it would be a date). We chatted, things felt really serious...we held hands, but it felt forced. I tried to kiss her, but it wasn't cute. Honestly, I just didn't know what went wrong, but I knew that that would happen. I shared this with Nick, and we decided to have a sit down strategy session.
This isn't really a story about how Nick changed my life (he did), or how he gave me a magic pill that fixed all my dating problems (he didn't). But the advice he gave me (be fun, be flirty, be sexual, stop going after conservative girls) for some reason finally clicked. I GOT why girls found that irresistible, I SAW the difference between how I went on that date, and how he would have gone on that date. I finally realized that I had been dating girls who were dressed really conservatively, or just like girlishly, not girls who were comfortable with their sexuality. I realized what my main problem was a large part of the time, and it was showing in my down-ness (doubting myself, feeling mad about seeing happy couples, or blaming hot girls for being hot? idk). Even though I had taken a ton of action towards fixing my dating life, I still had/(have) some pretty serious self esteem issues. It's hard to acknowledge that. It's hard to admit that really, the only thing that ever held me back from being accepted by the 'popular kids' in high school was myself. As much as I pride myself on self awareness, this was an area that I didn't like thinking about. Enough introspection, onto the events that led to tonight.
My friend and I decided to go out and do some approaches in the Copley area just before a dinner. I spotted a cute girl, L and stopped her as we were approaching each other from the opposite side. I had had a rough night the night before (leaving a night out early cause everyone was going home with someone except me) and I was really determined to do things right today. So far, the day had been promising.
- I'd met a girl from Serbia and Montenegro who was hot, and seemed kind of bored. We brought her to mcdonalds and had a burger, while I tried to set up a meet up with her later. I was forward, and a little too forward, since she suggested getting something to eat, and I took that as a huge sign of interest.
But the focus of this particular day was L, and honestly I don't remember most of the approaches that day before I met her. Really quickly I'm going to talk about how the interaction went, because I'm proud of how I handled it. I stopped her, asked her what she was listening to. It turned out to be an audiobook. I chatted about the audiobook for a brief second (she described it as a sort of detective novel) before telling her that she was cute. She was taken aback, but in a good way. I told her to start talking about it again, and she was about to recommend it to me, but then she suggested that she give me her number first. My friend burst out laughing but I smiled confidently and just continued chatting while taking it. I told her I was Sherlock from the BBC series (great show, you gotta watch it if you haven't) and she said she'd seen it before, so I told her I was going to study her and tell her about herself based on her appearance. I then gave her a look over, and started making guesses based on each of her clothing items (nautical pants you're a preppy sailor, quirky earrings you're an english major). I turned out to be right about a lot of my guesses haha. I think the most powerful things though, were telling her that I was going to check her out, and then doing it, and maintaining huge eye contact throughout the whole conversation.
After some fun and flirty texts (which is still an area I'm trying to work on, it's super hard for me) we ended up meeting tonight. We got coffee in Harvard, sat outside in the sun and just chatted about her family, who she's obviously really close to. We talked about her brothers, her dad, how her parents met. I sat really close to her, and made sure to push her away, and give her little side hugs whenever she said something funny or cute. The conversation was about 30% me sharing about myself, and 70% her talking about herself. I made sure to make a conscious effort to make it flirty, telling her to drink up her tea cause I wanted to make sure she would keep up with me.
We then grabbed a light dinner, where I kissed her in the middle of the meal, and we ended up having tons of stuff to talk about which was awesome. We liked the same books, which is a huge deal for me, and she was really sweet and introspective, but at the same time NOT CONSERVATIVE yes finally.
We walked past a magic show and watched it for a bit and she rested her head on mine. We went to a bar afterwards with a live band (beat hotel if you're interested in stopping by). I used the assumptions that Nick had told me about (assume she's going home with you tonight). So I introduced those by telling her about my room mate and his wild stories, and saying I'll introduce you to him later. (Make sure to pace this out though, if you stop dropping hints too early before she's ready, I think she'll just get nervous. That's useful information too though). We then started playing a questions game (her suggestion) and we started with embarrassing/sad stories and moved into wild/crazy. She showed visible signs of getting turned on, so I said finish your drink, we're leaving after your next question.
And I'll be a gentleman and not go into too much detail of what we did after that. But oh my god her body. I want to capture that mental image in my head forever. Mental note to self (sorry @Howie I didn't give up porn like I wanted to, and I definitely need to after this so I can more fully appreciate real girls)
Having this experience with L was a pretty momentous experience for me and I'll explain why. (This is not just a humblebrag post I swear! I learned from this)
She was a well adjusted, socially outgoing, extrovert. (in a sorority, grew up with tons of friends, went out clubbing a lot, dresses really well, comfortable with sexuality, confident and happy) While I think this girl wasn't necessarily my perfect type, I now understand that I actually really value a lot of those qualities I mentioned above. I'm BORED of conservative asian girls who don't like adventures and just stay in their comfort zone all the time. That's absolutely not me, and I was just forcing myself to be like that hoping that I could sleep with them.
I realized and got to experience firsthand how powerful dirty talk is, and sexual flirting, and how it can visibly turn a girl on. She remarked later that I knew the perfect time to do everything, like kissing, or holding hands, and she really appreciated that and it turned her on. I hardly think my timing was perfect, but the verbal flirting really made a huge difference, as I think it mentally prepared her for escalation. And everyone always harps on dirty talk in the bedroom and how great it is. I tried a little bit of it, but honestly I was so thrown by being with a hot girl who enjoyed sex that I said a few things and then shut up in embarassment. LOL. Something I look forward to working on.
Bad times will come, and it's not up to me to "power through them" necessarily. Approach it from a different angle. Find someone to motivate you to go out. Maybe take a break from going out for a while and do something that you enjoy. But I'm glad that I pushed myself this past Sunday, and even at 24, taught myself something completely new about myself.
I look forward to reading all your updates and posts, and learning from you guys once I get settled in. Till then best of luck