Progress of Being Myself

[Pwnpal]

It took me some time, but I'm okay. I'm over her and can still be in the same room as the two of them. Granted, when the flirting starts...I look away. I'd rather focus on other things that matter. I'm keeping my head up and looking for some potential dates. There's at least the girl on OKC from Brazil. She seems honest and I feel like I can just talk to her without judgments, but how can I deal with a thousands of miles? Keep in mind, I don't have feelings for her, as I've been exposed to online dating before, and getting emotional before actually meeting someone has gone poorly before, so I tend to hold back until I've physically met them.

I'm remaining open. There are a few girls around town that I've met through friends. I'm keeping my options open, and my intents clear. So we'll see how things go, but this is just an update for now.

[Venage]

You're probably not gonna end up seeing the girl from Brazil. And that sucks man, I'm familiar with the feeling of being in the same room with a girl you had a thing with and her flirting with someone else in the same room. Like, it really sucks. Meet and hang out with some other people.

Hope you hang out with some of those girls, or even if it leads to friendship maybe you could meet their friends.

[Pwnpal]

You're probably not gonna end up seeing the girl from Brazil.

I had always figured that. I'm basically talking to her, seeing how someone responds to me. So far, we're still talking, getting to know each other. It's alright, but emotionally, I'm not invested.

As for other progress, I did ask out a girl (who's a new friend) to a movie on Monday. She said yes, so that's something I'm looking forward to. Also, I will have to remember to be more forward than I was before, make my intentions clear.

[Nick]

Good job on pushing yourself to ask this girl out. Remember, movies can sometimes make it difficult to talk and build a connection. So see if you can make some physical contact during it.

Don't be afraid to let your leg gently rest against hers and see how she responds. Even let your arms or hands touch. If she's receptive, that's a great sign and you can try going for a kiss after the movie. I'd also not end the date right after the movie if possible.

[Pwnpal]

Right, I forgot about that. Luckily, the showing is early so we can go for coffee or ice cream afterwards. Supposed to be a nice day out tomorrow.

[Pwnpal]

Aaaannnnnnd she stood me up. Whelp, another one bites the dust.

[Visforleo]

No big deal my friend, you're an important, interesting and valuable guy, and such a man has no time nor energy to waste fretting over something like that! There are countless, endless more opportunities waiting to be discovered by you, so don't let that one girl get you down or you might miss them!

[Mike]

I've been stood up more times than I can count haha, literally. Eventually you'll end up feeling grateful to them. Imagine how frustrating it would be to get more invested in someone when they can't even muster the motivation to hang out with you.

[Pwnpal]

Thanks @Mike and @Visforleo for your encouragement. I felt bad for a little bit, but really just posted to update. I'm not sure where I'll go to next, but I have another possible interested girl and I just started playing Ultimate this summer, so there's a lot of opportunities awaiting.

[Howie]

That's rough man. Usually the morning of I'll text "hey still on for tonight" to make sure. Some puas would say that's bad game because it subcommunicates I'm used to being flaked on, but I'm no longer usually flaked on and it works fine for me. I remember Vin Dicarlo said in "no more flakes" to text something like "hey running a bit late" an hour before you go. This supposedly maintains status while checking to see if she's flaking. Try it out if you like.

[Nick]

Sorry to hear that @Pwnpal -- it sucks getting stood up. For the future, always confirm within 24 hours of the date with a simple text. A girl who's planning on coming out will respond positively. If she's not, she'll tell you over text and save you the hassle.

[Venage]

Well, damn about the stand-up. However, even if you get 10 stand-ups in a row, you can be like "look at this guys!"

[Pwnpal]

An update for now as a lot has been happening at work, so that's where my focus has been.

Last weekend, I went downtown with a friend, something that typically is out of my comfort zone (I worry about driving there and back, parking, showing up on time, etc). So my friend Tom and I head to a bar, play some pool next to two girls playing as well. And from the corner of my eye, I see how intimate they are and knew they were a couple. Tom didn't realize this until a while later. But we play pool with them, go off to another bar and play darts and sharing stories. Both girls actually commented how fun I was and bought us drinks (both things were a first for me). All in all, although Tom was disappointed in how the night went, I had a lot of fun and got to see how I function in this new arena. I'm working up going out again, so next time I'll escalate my actions.

In other news, I did notice something about a conversation I had last night with a girl, Kate. At one point in the conversation, the volume of her voice went down. To me, that was a sort of draw, meaning I had to be closer (and thus a bit more intimate) to continue the conversation. We'll see how things go there. But it was something I noticed.

And thanks for the support guys!

[Pwnpal]

So I spoke more with Kate today, got to know her more and had some really good conversation. Right now, it feels like I'm at the crux between just another friend and something more. Clearly, I'd like to see if I can move things forward, but for some reason, I cannot think of what to say. I figure I should just man up, ask her to dinner or something and gauge her response during said activity. I'm so analytic that I cannot DO anything without thinking about every "right" action to take before I take one.

[Nick]

Happy to see you challenging your comfort zone. It's rare for a woman to buy a guy drinks -- that's a huge sign of interest from those girls. For future situations like that, go for a number at the minimum. Don't let opportunity slip through your fingers.

As for Kate, strike when the iron is hot. She gave you her number and is responding. That means she's open to connecting with you on a more personal level. Invite her out as soon as possible (like today).

[Pwnpal]

strike when the iron is hot

I literally had this same thought. And so I did, I asked her to lunch and to talk about one of her interests. Turns out....she had already gone home until late Friday. We've set some plans Friday night, but with others. That's when I shall make solid plans for Saturday, or even Sunday.

[Pwnpal]

An update.

Here's how things went with Kate. I had a group hangout on Sunday with some friends and invited her as well. I cooked, and apparently made the best Shepard's pie ever (not my words). We all watched some LotR and played Cards Against Humanity. Then, at some point, it was Kate and I left and we talked, decided to go see a movie and I tried getting closer, being more physical and gauging her reaction.

She wasn't into me at all. Turned away, moved back, all the classic signs she wasn't interested. But I enjoyed the movie, I learned to see things better and I'm alright with us being friends. But for now, time to move on.

I'm not sure where else to go, I feel as though I've exhausted a lot of my dating options around me. Not easy being in a small college town when you're 26. Then again, could just be my outlook, so I will continue to push forward. Cheers.

[Pwnpal]

So I just went through 2 weddings and a funeral. Really put life into perspective. On the one hand, a friend of mine in our department passed away suddenly, and that hit me very hard. I broke down and cried in the middle of doing lab work. I felt there that life wasn't only short, but very unpredictable (And I'm someone who is very logical and like things predictable).

Then I had 2 weddings, my sister's and a week later, my cousin's. Both went very well and I was inevitably asked if I was seeing anyone. I had to answer no, but after discussing things with my mom and several family members, not only was I okay with that, but I also felt that I'm not ready to really be dating a lot. Like, I thought I ALWAYS had time to be with someone or I could make time if that person came into my life. But now, I don't feel that way. I'm so focused on my degree and improving my health and weight, that I literally don't have the time, effort, or energy to pursue someone romantically. And that was extremely hard of me to admit to myself.

So I may be out of the game temporarily, but I still have things I need to improve. My self-respect and self-esteem, how I act towards women I am interested in, and how to be someone who is composed, independent, and fun to be around. That is what I am working on and I thank you all for your advice.

[Nick]

I literally don't have the time, effort, or energy to pursue someone romantically. And that was extremely hard of me to admit to myself.

That takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself, especially to others close to you.

Life is all about balance. I've definitely seen guys obsess too much over romance that their overall life and happiness suffer. I've known men that did nothing but go out 7 days a week for years and it made them miserable.

Sometimes, you need to take a break from dating and focus on other areas. Invest in you for a while. Just remind yourself this is a break and don't let go of it completely. Pick it back up when you're ready.

In the meantime, feel free to post your non-dating experiences as well. I'd love to see more journals about a variety of subjects.

[Pwnpal]

Invest in you for a while

And that's exactly what I did. I learned more about myself, I kept pushing for good habits over bad ones and I've gained more confidence (although I'm still a little cocky at times). I have a date tomorrow, the first one since this past February and I'm excited. Nervous too, but still excited to get to know someone new.

I went and re-read some of the First Date Tips Nick wrote about and my head still has one issue. What do you do about winter dating? It's friggen cold outside, so why would anyone sit down and have a conversation outside? I could see activities for the cold, ice skating or snow sculpting, but sitting around and talking, psshhhhh. So maybe, MAYBE, I could think of an idea for it, but mostly, the cold is bothersome.