Hey, you all.
You may remember me and my progress journals from the past.
Bear with me, this is extremely long winded.
I'm wanting to let you know what my current status is and how I'm feeling, and I'm hoping to get to posting regularly here with all of you. I appreciate the support and pushing I've been given here in the past, and I fell off the horse for about a year here, as you can see.
Went through plenty of personal things, a big bout of depression and general dissatisfaction with life, and I knew during that time that as badly as I wish I could have found someone then it wouldn't've been good for either of us, for me because I could end up becoming dependent on her for my own validation and bad for her because she wouldn't get my best.
Right now, I've dated three times in the last three or four years, haven't been laid in five and a half, and have this incredibly weird combination of confidence and lack thereof.
My counselor said posting here wouldn't be a bad thing for me at all, and she also suggested at one point that I may be high-functioning Aspbergers and suggested I get tested. I still have yet to do that, but my inability to read body language does suggest that, and is part of my lack of confidence.
For those of you that have read in the past, I'm supremely confident approaching a woman to start a conversation or dance, what have you, but fail at closing the deal. My supreme confidence in approach is because I know who I am, I love talking to people, and to me, if you don't want to talk to me, your loss, not mine.
It's frustrating to not be able to carry that over to asking a woman out or to hook up.
Something I also didn't realize in the past is that I intimidate people in a way I never felt I could. I'm a big, cuddly teddy bear, and I'm not referring to people being scared I'm going to beat them up, but rather, being afraid to approach me and be friendly.
This hit home for me last Valentine's Day, or Singles Awareness Day. I was out at Karaoke because it was a Wednesday, and I was enjoying myself, scanning the crowd and just relaxing. I'm used to having my picture taken, so I noticed a cute, shy looking woman take my picture. I didn't think anything of it in an attempt not to embarrass her, but upon looking a few minutes later she had that shot of me in a Snapchat filter that was "Be My Valentine". I waited about ten minutes then approached to talk, but she was incredibly bashful and I couldn't pull her out of her shell. I saw this filter from about 30 feet away, so I don't think it was obvious that I saw it, but at the same time, her bashfulness made me realize that maybe some women aren't just apathetic to my presence but rather bashful.
I also will sing and/or dance like there's nobody watching just because I love to do so. Dancing, I've no idea whether I'm good or bad at it. It's mostly club environment, and being a musician I know exactly where the beat is, and the only rule I truly follow is left foot on 2, right foot on 4, and keep moving. I've had people compliment my dancing, but my lack of confidence in it has led me to question whether they were serious or not, especially when their tone seems borderline snarky or they giggle, which I realize could be either embarrassment or ridicule.
This last Wednesday, when I was out, I went to eat later and saw a couple of women that I vaguely recognized. They talked to me, and one of them, who was rather attractive, mentioned going out tonight. I would have but I wasn't on my A game and I'm worn out from work, and I'll do my best to explain if I see her again. I've also been used to women being flaky, so honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I had gone out but not ever run into her.
My confidence that I do have is being comfortable with my own personality and having the attitude of "I am who I am, like me or not, if you do, great, if you don't, you're not worth my time or energy."
My lack of confidence comes from my weight, the fact that I still live with the parents being 32, and lack of experience. I've told you all in the past about women I've missed out on due to lack of experience, and if I haven't or you want to hear those stories, feel free to let me know.
I just wanted to make a note that I'm going to put out a bit more effort to make the first move and find someone. My hopes are that at the least, I'll break the dry spell and have a bit of fun, at best, find someone who is my equal and who I can spend my life with.
Gentlemen and ladies, I welcome any and all comments, suggestion, criticism, etcetera. Thank you.