Lots of new developments, including an attempt to escape the friend zone.
A couple weeks ago there was a cute girl who came to a Thursday night improv. We'll call her Annie. We often grab drinks after playing improv games and she was invited to join us. She was chatting with a guy friend of mine for a while. When we got there she said she had to go. I went to her and said "you're taking off? I'm sorry to hear that" while making strong eye contact and clearly flirting with her. "Yeah I really should... but I dunno." "You want to come in for one drink?" "I have work early tomorrow, I really should go... but I will be here next week." "Alright, bye." I made it clear I was interested in her, and her hesitancy suggested that she was interested too.
This past Thursday she did come back. We were flirting from the start. One of the exercises we did involved breaking into pairs. We did one together last, and she said to me "well, last but not least." I said "definitely not." We went out to the bar together and on the way there I asked for her number. She said she'd just bought a hello kitty kite and we decided we wanted to go fly it together this weekend. While at the bar, we talked a bunch, though she appeared to be flirting with my friend Andrew. This was very surprising to me. Andrew is a virgin, classic "nice guy," and has no luck whatsoever with women. I've tried to get him to call Nick but he hasn't been willing. She seemed to be into him, and he asked for her number, which she gave him. I was surprised, and though I was very into her I almost wanted to back off, seeing as how he never, ever has this kind of luck.
She and I confirmed over text that we'd fly kites on Monday.
Sunday night I was supposed to have a date with Janelle. We'd planned on getting crepes together. She had plans to go to a concert with friends after. I figured that was fine, I wanted to chill with my roommates anyway. On Saturday she cancelled. "hey! will you take a rain check on crepes? my friends want to go to the concert earlier tomorrow and I would feel bad cuttin our time togther short."
Me: "Aw I waa looking forward to it. When were you thinking i'm busy monday."
Me: "Wanna go climb tues after work"
Her: "I can't Tuesday I'm around next weekend! I'd love to go climbin then"
I talked with some female friends about the situation. I said that I was hesitant to accept that for two reasons - it was going to be a long time and I was afraid we might lose some chemistry, and I didn't want to set a precedent of cancelling on me being ok. The girls thought this was a weird way of thinking and just asked me if I wanted to see her again. I said yeah. Seeing as how the girls were very attractive, I decided that that way of thinking was probably needy and I should stop it. "Sure wanna do sat night" "yes!" "Cool lets do it see you then." So she and I are set for this coming Saturday.
That Sunday night I was staying home chilling with roommates when Annie texted me.
Her: "What are you doing tonight?"
Me: "Not much actually wanna hang out"
Her: "You into dancing?"
Me: "I'm finishing up a late dinner but I can meet you in like 45"
Her: "There is dancing at the [bar] tonight. Ever been?"
Me: "Yeah I've been there it's great."
Her: "Cool. Ok. I'll get ready. Want to text me 20 minutes before you can meet up and I'll jump on the T?"
Me: "Yeah that works ttys"
We met up at the bar and grabbed drinks. We chatted for a bit. She commented that she was pretty sure I pissed another guy off at improv by asking for her number, 'cause he was pretty into her, but she was glad I got to her first because she liked me better. She also asked me if Andrew was gay. So much for her being into him. I guess my signal reading was a little off.
We danced a lot. She complimented me on how well I danced. There's not much to how I dance at a club. I move with the beat and I'm not shy about shoving my pelvis into the girl I'm with. I make use of a little of what I've learned in classes - spin her, lead her, etc. I'm very sexual when I dance. Anyway she liked it.
She was clearly ready to be kissed, so I tried to, but she turned away. I tried again several minutes later. "Howie, no. If you keep this up I'll have to cut the night short." "Well I don't want that. Why though?" "You're being fresh." "Alright. We don't have to kiss yet. But I want to." Then I playfully pushed her away. She smiled and slapped my ass in reply. So strange... she didn't want to kiss, but she's perfectly comfortable slapping me, and being the most sexually dancing couple in the club.
Eventually I dropped her off at home around 1:30 AM and she kissed me on the cheeks, letting me know she had a great time and was looking forward to kite flying the next day.
Kite flying was fantastic. Went to Castle Island if any Bostonians want to steal the date idea. We walked around and gave each other massages. We talked a lot. Annie had just moved here from Albaquerque three weeks ago. She had a boyfriend there. Or has a boyfriend there. They never quite ended things. This was why she wasn't comfortable kissing me. She has no intention of going back there though and he has no intention of coming east. They're basically over. They just haven't formalized it yet. They've been together for 10 years. That also made sense. I guess a kiss could be a big deal for her if she's only ever had one boyfriend.
We talked a bunch more. Attraction was there but she said she probably wasn't entirely ready to be dating. I was the first guy she met she'd even considered it with. I don't know where this will go, but it's probably not going to go much of anywhere, at least for a little while.
I got in touch with an old "friend" of mine, friend in quotes because when we were friends I was very much friend-zoned. I was an orbiter, not a friend. It was not a healthy friendship. I was always re-orienting my schedule around her's, she would never make plans to accommodate me, and she is perhaps the single flakiest woman in my life. I haven't seen her in three years, and it wasn't for lack of inviting her to things. Yet for some reason she continues insisting on wanting to remain friends.
Since I'm all confident and comfortable with myself now I called her out on it the other day. I invited her to do something and she said she was busy and apologized. I said no worries, I had no expectation of her coming, it's obviously not important to her, but I thought I'd invite her anyway. She apologized more and went on about how I deserved better than that. I just said it wasn't a big deal, she has her priorities and they are what they are, I'm just not going to worry about them. She said that she wasn't free, but she was having a BBQ with some people this Monday night and I was invited if I wanted to come. I told her I had a date, and that if it went well, I wouldn't be free, but if it didn't, then I'd come visit.
My date with Annie ended around 5:00, so I decided to go.
The BBQ was good. We got to chat a lot. She was very... supplicating. She apologized for practically everything. When I would relate stories about dating or whatever she would comment that I deserved better than that or would express sympathy, even though I wasn't interested in that kind of support.
The party went back to her place, and eventually it was just me, her, and her sister. We chatted for quite a while. I related what just happened with Annie and how she was my type but might not work out. She asked me what my "type" was. I said I wasn't really sure. We talked about auditions and shows and so on. I knew her in college. We're both opera singers.
Eventually I left. Today we exchanged texts.
Her: "I'm so glad you came yesterday."
Me: "me too. it was nice to see you again. Knew it would be."
Me: "You're still cute."
Her: "You look good too"
Me: "Thanks back"
Me: "I wanna ask you out"
Me: "Hmmmm we could do dinner and climbing whenever we get around to it."
Her: "I want to know you as a friend"
Her: "It's been too long"
Me: "We are friends. I'm asking you on a date. I'm attracted to you. If you're not attracted to me then say no. But if you are then say yes and we'll go out and flirt and have fun."
Her: "Howie I just broke up with someone"
Me: "Have you been on a date since then?" (I knew she had, several)
Her: "So I don't know what I want right now, in all honesty"
Her: "I'm trying to figure it out"
Her: "The last thing I want is to be unfair to you"
Her: "Give me some time?"
Now I've been in this situation before. She said "give me some time" when I asked her out in the past and she went and dated some other guy. I decided I might give in on that eventually, but I would much rather her either admit she's interested in me or reject me, since she was very unwilling to do either.
Me: "Ok let me put it like this. You just broke up with a guy who was rude to you. You have this friend. He was shy and awkward back in the day. No one was really into him. But he's all grown up now and lots of girls want him. Girls cheat on their boyfriends with him because they find him irresistable. And he's not rude, he's dependable, and he's appreciate you and liked you for years. In 20 years you're gonna look back and when this guy asked you out you said no because you were "unsure what you want." [name] nobody has a damn clue what they want. So go on one date with me and see if you like it. I promise we will still be friends.
Her: "And clearly modest too "
Her: "I just really don't want to lose another friendship, I've lost so many after going out with the guy."
Me: "Well the nlet's talk about that. Because I like being friends with you. I'm also attracte dto you. And I'm pretty sure you're attracted to me. And I don't see why that makes friendship impossible, why falling in love would kill friendship, or finding out we're not compatible would. I'm very good friends with all but one of my exes."
Me: "But maybe something's different with you so we can talk about. PS I'm pretty sure not many guys got you to date them by being modest ;p"
That was a HUGE mistake of a line I made there. Do not emulate.
Me: "Just saying things are different now."
Her: "I'm at the doctor and am overwhelmed atm with everything, can we talk later?"
Me: "Of course ttyl"
I've been asking myself some questions, the main one being why do I want to date this girl? She's insecure, manipulative, not upfront with me, and not nearly as excited to date me as a lot of other girls I'm seeing are. Is it just a pride thing? Breaking out of the friend zone? Or am I really super attracted to her? I need to think about this more.
Anyway I think most of her reactions were pretty positive. Will see how it develops.
Awww shit choreographer girl just asked me out gtg.
Update on that:
It's been tough to set up a date with her because she's so busy. I facebook messaged her this afternoon asking if she was free, and she said she thought she'd have to work late and she had tentative plans with a friend. I said that was cool, I'd be home practicing monologues, and if she turned out to be free to text me. She said that was cool.
Well she wound up being free so we met up at a bar near her place. It was an unexpectedly platonic date. We have a lot in common and we chatted mostly about theatre stuff. She told me that three castmembers of her production of Romeo and Juliet have dropped out and she asked me if I'd be interested in joining the cast. I think this was the main purpose of asking me out. I wound up saying I was interested, because I am, and they rehearse in the town I'm living in, which is convenient. The audition is tomorrow - they just want me to come and read some lines for Tybalt. Seems easy enough.
She said that it was "nice to have a friend who lives nearby." The hug we had at the end wasn't altogether platonic but wasn't exactly romantic either. Like it was a little closer and a little longer than what you'd do with a casual friend. But not much more. I'm not going to read into it too much. She said she enjoyed the night and I'm sure we'll hang out more, but I'm labeling her as "unreceptive, neutral at best."